Don’t want that, want this.

SO, I have these ideas swirling around in my head. Ideas to be financially independent, ideas for art projects, and learning new things with graphics. Unfortunately they bang into things like the feeling I am jumping on a hamster wheel going nowhere, every time I clock into my day job. You know, that one we do to pay the bills and be responsible.

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I want to be responsible..I just don’t want to jump through hoops, count lots of money that is not mine, or work for people who want my loyalty, but will fire me without a hiccup in their day because that’s what is best for them.

I was just “voluntold” (a word my lovely pastor is fond of using!) to work all night with inventory. It is a shift that was volunteer only. I did NOT volunteer, but found myself on the list.

I want to be irreplaceable. I want to be so good at what I love and what I do, that my work space is unique and welcoming. I can only do this if I work for ME.

Part of me wants to quit my job and launch out on my own. But. But. But.

I have no back up money to do so. The rent still needs to be paid, among other things, and I am not going to drown in bills. The plan is in place, I am moving forward, albeit slowly, but moving I am. I am NOT in a happy place, that’s for sure. But in that time, I am learning what I do NOT want in my life. And that can be just as important as knowing what I do want.

I hate to be confined. I hate being told what I can not do, just because another can’t do it. So dumb. It took me so long to learn that lesson. I was told by others what I could not do, and didn’t realize it til later it’s because they had no vision and could not see what I saw. Why are people so scared of another’s talents? I never get that…

Then I have this problem with time. When I have time to paint or write, I spend it staring at the wall, spacing off and lost in my dream world. Time is lost, never to be brought back. I could have had a book or two written by now…

coulda woulda shoulda

Not worth thinking bout. I have today. Tomorrow, I am back on that wheel, spinning and spinning, going nowhere. Just trying to get thru another 8 hours of quagmire.

 

 

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